Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 16, 2011 17:28:04 GMT -5
Ok immediate warning, some of these may and probably will be rude. As usual feel free to post your own jokes too!
I was in prison a while back - I walked in and one of my two cell mates said:
"What are you in for?"
I replied, "Judging by the size of you chaps, I'd say an arse raping."
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 17, 2011 7:23:43 GMT -5
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 18, 2011 7:24:22 GMT -5
Justin Bieber claims that there's no cure for Bieber Fever
I'm no doctor, but surely taking a shotgun and killing the little fucker is a good enough cure?
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 18, 2011 23:03:00 GMT -5
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
|
Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 19, 2011 9:31:13 GMT -5
I went up to a girl in a bar yesterday and said 'My name is Chris, remember that' with a wink.
She cheekily replied, 'Why, will I be screaming it later?'
I said 'No you won't even know it's me, I'll be wearing my balaclava.'
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Post by SIREN EVENINGS on Feb 19, 2011 13:04:43 GMT -5
A lady wants a bird, seeing as how the cat hadn't worked out, and the dog just made messes in the house.
At the pet shop, she finds a parrot that she takes an instant fancy to. But the shop's owner warns her that the bird had come from a house "ill repute" and that taking it home to a well-respected family was not the best idea. but the lady said that the bird looked so lovely sitting there in the window.
At the house, the bird looked around from his new perch and let out a squak that sounded like laughter before saying, "New house! New house and new Misstress!"
That evening, when the lady's two teen-age daughters came home from school and were admiring the bird, he let out another happy squak and said, "New house! New house, new misstress, new Girls!" The lady frowned, even laughed a little at his odd coments.
Later that night, when her husband had made it home from work with a smile and a "Hi hunnie, how was your day?" the bird began making a fuss and yelling out,
"New house! New house, new misstress, new girls! Look! Bob is back!"
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 20, 2011 14:44:14 GMT -5
I secretly put an app on my wife's phone so I can know exactly where she is at any time of the day through GPS.
It's not that I dont trust her. It's just I don't want her suddenly walking in while I'm shagging her sister.
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 21, 2011 9:57:58 GMT -5
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 22, 2011 4:11:05 GMT -5
Of course Justin Bieber is pro-life. Anyone who survived an abortion would be.
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 23, 2011 7:29:14 GMT -5
Sony have announced that they plan to prosecute EVERYONE who's hacked a ps3.
For their next project they're going to piss in the ocean to warm it up.
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 24, 2011 9:58:51 GMT -5
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"
A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 25, 2011 15:23:11 GMT -5
Staggering through town late last night, when I came across a group of women out celebrating.
I shouted the usual for a laugh, "Show me your tits, girls!"
To my surprise all of them obliged giving me a quick flash before replying back, "Show us your nuts, handsome!"
So, I started licking the lamp post and waving my arms about.
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 26, 2011 19:05:15 GMT -5
Justin Bieber - "I was bullied"
Well, that's my faith in humanity restored.
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
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Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 27, 2011 17:10:39 GMT -5
Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?
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Urjasz Volkova
Were-Wolf
SHAUN SULLIVAN
Were-hyena
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot further with a smile and a gun
Posts: 653
|
Post by Urjasz Volkova on Feb 28, 2011 10:21:12 GMT -5
As I put my glass to the bedroom door, I could hear from the buzzing and the wife's screams, she'd found my surprise birthday present a day early.
I mean, Where can you hide a hornet's nest for over two days?
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